Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (PDA) and Eating

Feeding a child with PDA can be unpredictable and overwhelming. One day they may happily eat a food, and the next day the same food is suddenly “too much or not safe” Meals can turn into power struggles, avoidance, shutdowns, or complete refusals—often leaving parents wondering what they’re doing wrong.

But here’s the truth:

You’re not doing anything wrong.

And your child isn’t being “difficult or naughty”.

Children with a PDA profile are navigating a nervous system that is wired to avoid perceived threats/demands. Even the ones they genuinely want to meet, like eating or using the bathroom can feel like a threat response.

So what is PDA?

PDA is widely understood to be a profile found within some autistic people and studies have also demonstrated connections with PTSD and ADHD too. It also commonly co-occurs with Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). PDA is characterised by an intense need to feel in the driver's seat of one's environment, choices, and actions. And any ‘common’ demands of life, including expectations and things the person enjoys doing can cause a threat to the nervous system. People with PDA can experience internal demands and external demands.

Everyday tasks like getting dressed, brushing teeth, going to the bathroom or eating a meal can feel overwhelming, threatening, or unsafe to a PDAer’s nervous system.

This isn’t a behavioural issue.

It’s a survival response driven by anxiety, loss of autonomy, and a need to regain a sense of control.

Why eating can feel like a demand?

Eating naturally comes with layers of expectations:

“Sit at the table.”, “Take another bite.”, “Try something new.”, “Eat more before dessert.”, “finnish your plate.”, “We’re having pasta tonight.”

For a PDAer, even neutral statements can land as pressure. On top of this, many autistic and PDA children experience:

• Sensory sensitivities to texture, smell, temperature or visuals

• Interoception differences e.g not feeling hunger until starving or in crisis.

• A nervous system stuck in fight/flight or freeze mode

• Trauma around mealtimes or past feeding experiences

So eating isn’t just about food. It’s about safety, autonomy, and nervous system regulation.

What might happen at mealtimes?

• PDA can show up around food in many ways:

• Saying they’re “not hungry” even when they are

• Avoiding the table or disappearing when it’s time to eat

• Strong reactions to being offered food

• Only eating in certain locations or with specific people

• Needing full autonomy over what, when, and how they eat

• Sudden and dramatic food aversions

• Meltdowns or shutdowns when pressured

• Eating better when alone, distracted, or with zero expectation

• Parents often describe it as a moving target. And that’s exactly what it is—because the nervous system is constantly scanning for demands.

Why Traditional Feeding Strategies Don’t Work

Typical feeding approaches such as exposure-based therapy, repeated tasting, sticker charts, “just try one more bite,” praise, or expectation-based routines, can increase demands, which increases avoidance and the need for autonomy and felt safety. A child with either going into fawn mode and people please and eat the food - which is not good for their nervous system and can lead to burnout. Or they will flat out refuse to eat. This is because when the nervous system goes into protective mode, the digestive track shuts off, reducing appetite and food can become a threat. The only way to calm reduce that threat is not to eat.

What Helps: PDA-Friendly, Neuro-Affirming Approaches

• It’s important to drop all demands when eating is a priority. We want to drop anything that raises anxiety for the individual. Reducing demands doesn’t mean giving up-it lays the foundation for trust and safety.

• Give your child Autonomy, Autonomy, Autonomy.

• Offer safe foods

• Be mindful of the eating environment - it is working with their sensory needs - lights, sounds, temperature, seating, cutlery, etc? This can all increase external demands.

• Serve food without comment, avoid talking about food at all - let your child bring this up with you.

• Avoid asking your child to “try this” or even “would you like to try this…?” - this is still placing pressure and expectation.

• Allow grazing or flexible eating patterns

• Let go of the “where” and “how” and “when” - let them eat where they want, with screens or their hands (no cutlery) and let them eat when they want to even if it’s nearly a “meal time”.

• PDAers often use equalising as a way to balance power and reduce feelings of vulnerability. This can show up around food and eating—for example, a child may only feel comfortable eating if others are eating the same thing at the same time, or they might refuse food if they sense an adult has more control over the choice. Equalising helps restore a sense of safety and autonomy, but it can also make mealtimes more complex. Recognising this dynamic helps us approach eating in a way that feels collaborative and respectful, rather than top-down. This allows the young person to experience support as a shared process, rather than a pressure or demand.

• Don’t try to “sneak” food in or trick a young person with PDA into eating something—they will usually sense this right away, and it can damage trust. Instead, focus on being open and honest and direct with your intentions inviting a natural curiosity.

Declarative and Narration language

Use Narration or declarative language Instead of Direct Language

Instead of asking “Do you want dinner?” or “What would you like?”, or “I made spaghetti for dinner. Do you want some or a sandwich?” try narrating your own actions

“I’m putting out some pasta (or insert safe food) if anyone’s hungry later.”

“I’m making noodles for myself; there’s plenty if someone wants some.”

This avoids direct invitation, which can trigger PDA pushback, while still providing opportunity.

Remove the words SHOULD, MUST, WILL, NEED TO and anything else directive. Remove the word YOU.

Make language collaborative e.g: "How can WE figure out what's for dinner?", "I'm not really sure what to do about this. Can WE take some time and think about it?

Final thoughts - You’re not alone

Raising a PDAer around food requires a huge amount of patience, creativity, and compassion. It’s not about getting it perfect—it’s about building safety and trust over time.

You’re doing an incredible job navigating something that most people will never fully understand.

Your child isn’t broken.
You aren’t failing.
Their eating journey will look different—and that’s okay.

With the right support, a PDAer can develop a positive, safe, and connected relationship with food—one that honours their autonomy and nervous system, and brings more peace to your home.

Written by Margo White, your Melbourne-based neurodiversity affirming clinical nutritionist and Neurodivergent advocate.

This article is intended as general advice only and does not replace medical advice. It is recommended that you seek personalised advice specific to your individual needs.